Granger Danger

Love troubles, family troubles, school troubles, me troubles. I have had all kinds of troubles, especially these past two weeks. I don't know what it is, but everyone is on edge, grumpy, tired, depressed. Is it the coming of winter? The fact that the sun will be condemned for a few months? (Not that I mind.)

I know that the economy is shit. And it's going to get better. It's gotten a bit better. But still he sits in the same spot all day playing the game that today he said was: "Not fun." Which turned my desperate question into a short argument which ended with an abrupt "Mind your own goddamn business." I miss my sister, all my little babies, my oldest friend, my big friendly giant. I want to move away, get out of here. But I can't leave my little sister behind. She's just as miserable as I am. I can't just leave her with Mum to defend herself. I can't move in the middle of the semester again. But I want to. Sometimes I feel like it's the worst possible environment I could be in. There's no happiness. The only thing I'm content with is to sleep my troubles away. But that accomplishes nothing. My family is struggling, has been struggling for the past four years. It's always been about money and what are we going to do about this and that. My Dad is jobless (again), and depressed. He doesn't even try anymore. Mum's working her hardest, sometimes I feel horrible, I get angry that he's not helping at all and I don't like it. What happened to 'in sickness and in health, for better and for worse?'

I don't care much at all for my school, or the people in it. I'm struggling again. For reasons I don't understand. The stress is getting to me, I'm doing funny things, shrugging and rolling my shoulders, scrunching up my nose, twisting my neck. I don't even realize I'm doing it. I try to hold it in, but it's like a sneeze, I can only hold it in for a short while until I need to make another face. It looks strange, feels strange. I feel like whatever there is for me to control I better do a good job. I straighten posters, align the place mats, make sure every glass is filled to the exact same level for dinner, three ice cubes exactly. It's maddening and calming. It gives me a short burst of pride to know that my pencils are organized by color, and then by length, and then by lead density.

Falling in love, the second time I've ever like someone for more than just a couple of days. It's hard though, because of the issues regarding it. But I've liked the person for over a year. And since I moved from the house I grew up in, none of my friendship's have lasted more than eight months. This is an accomplishment, I've known them for a year and a half, fell in love with them five months in. At first I thought it was just friendship, but that happiness whenever we were together never went away, it intensified. They became the most important person in the world to me. Maybe this is a bit much, after all, I'm only sixteen. I'm sure by the time I graduate from High School I'll have fallen in and out of love dozens of times. But this is different. There are the girls that date five different guys a year. I've only dated once, for a very long period of time, but ultimately ended in disaster, but it was a dysfunctional relationship to begin with. But this is different. It's not the same emotions, it's not anything that was. I can't describe it, but it's like paradise being with them. My best friend, but I don't want to ruin it. Among other things that I don't yet feel comfortable saying because I'm going to wait until I'm at a 'safe' point in my life when I do. It's torture though. Just sitting back and admiring from afar. I don't know if I can stand it much longer though.

But time will pass. Situations will improve. Though I doubt feelings will change. Nobody reads this blog, which is fine. (At least the two people I know that read it I can trust with my life.) One already knows my situation and another has a vague idea of the dysfunctionality going on. Long post, long rant, but I feel much better now.

-P.